Someone Named Charlie Talks to Their TV (Variation #1)

SOMEONE NAMED CHARLIE TALKS TO THEIR TV (Variation #1)

CHARLIE unpacks boxes. The TV is on.

TV
I pronounce your name
on dark nights
when stars come
to drink of the moon,
and branches sleep
in hidden fronds.
I am empty of passion,
and music.
A mad clock singing
long dead hours.
I pronounce your name
on this dark night,
and your name never sounded
farther away.

CHARLIE makes a phone call.

CHARLIE
Nope. :|

CHARLIE resumes unpacking.

TV
Farther than all stars,
aching more than a soft rain.
Will I ever love you
Again as then?
What guilt has my heart
if mist shade it?

CHARLIE tries calling again.

CHARLIE
Keep going.

TV
What new passion waits?
Will it be tranquil and pure?
If my fingers could only
strip the moon!
…
Si Mis Manos Pudieran Deshojar
by Federico García Lorca
Translated by Edwin Honig, 1942
…
Blue whales are big.
They have big brains.
These big brains–

CHARLIE hangs up–

CHARLIE
I have a question.
What is it like being a TV?

TV …
What is it like not being a TV?

CHARLIE
That's a big question.

TV
Exactly.
Let's not pretend we can understand the other.
Personally, I'm fine with the rift in compassion.
I mean empathy.
I mean understanding.
I mean empathy.

CHARLIE
Okay.

TV
Continuing. :|

CHARLIE
Was just // curious.

TV
CONTINUING: >:|
Okay:
Blue whales, big brains, and so are incredibly intelligent.
As smart if not smarter than humans.
They are so smart –
– it is widely believed – that the only thing
preventing them from agriculture
is thumbs.

CHARLIE
Huh.

TV
I however do not believe this.

CHARLIE
Oh?

TV
Not one bit.

CHARLIE
Go on.

TV
It's ridiculous.

CHARLIE
How so?

TV
One doesn't need thumbs to cultivate crops.

CHARLIE
One doesn't?

TV
No, you'd need a desire to conquer
and dominate your environment to do that.
Thumbs would help, but…I'm getting off track.
They are acutely sensitive to sound.
They have very good ears.
That fill with wax.
Which is very important.
For it is from this wax
we have ascertained
the life span of the blue whale.

CHARLIE
How old do they get?

TV
Let me check.

CHARLIE
Never mind.
Can I watch something?

TV
No.
We're learning about whales.

CHARLIE
Yr no fun.

TV
Baby…you don't know the half of it. >:(

TV
Ahem. >:(

CHARLIE
It's Al.

TV
Oh, it's Al. >.>

CHARLIE
Hey Al–

AL
Charlie, it's Al.

CHARLIE
Yes, hi.

TV
Hi Al. >.>

CHARLIE
Sh.

AL
Hi. Andy told me to call you.

CHARLIE
He did?

AL
Yeah.

CHARLIE
When?

AL
Oh…
A few hours ago–
Sorry, just now–
Or–
Strangest thing, I'm not sure.
Today?
Today.
Sometime today.
… :|

CHARLIE
Alright.
Is that it?

AL
Is he doing okay?

CHARLIE
Why?

AL
…

CHARLIE
Well, he's…
He's been stressed.

AL
I'm sure.

CHARLIE
New job and
the whale and all.
Which, I heard Paula's joke,
a whale // of a problem–

AL
A whale of a problem yeah.
I said that. Anyway–
Andy. Um…

CHARLIE
When did you say you talked?

AL
…
I can't remember.

CHARLIE
Okay…

AL
Yeah…

CHARLIE
I don't suppose he told you when he'd be home.

AL
He's not back yet?

CHARLIE
No. Al, are you alright?

AL
You may want to give him a call.

CHARLIE
I just tried, he didn't answer.

AL
You should give him a call.

CHARLIE
I just did.

AL
Did he answer?

CHARLIE
No.

AL
…

CHARLIE
I can try again.

AL
…
Yeah. Do that…

CHARLIE
You're scaring me a little.

AL
Sorry, my head feels…full.
I'm sure it's fine.
He just sounded a little strange.

CHARLIE
Strange?

AL
Strange, a little or–
I'm making things out of things–
Words are funny.

CHARLIE
Strange how?

AL
Not strange, "off" maybe?
I can't get my words right.

CHARLIE
Strange how, Al?

AL
"Out of it" maybe?

CHARLIE
Al.

AL
Have you seen him today?

CHARLIE
Not since this morning.

AL
He was on the news.

CHARLIE
Okay, besides that, this morning.

AL
I wasn't sure if you saw.

CHARLIE
I did.

AL
He looked good.

CHARLIE
He did.

AL
The job suits him.

CHARLIE
Yes it does.
Hey–

AL
Head on some shoulders..

CHARLIE
Al. >:|

AL
…
Did a car fall on the house last night?

CHARLIE
A car?

AL
Yeah.

CHARLIE
I'm gonna let you go now, Al.

AL
Did a car fall on the house last night? >:|

CHARLIE
Not that I'm aware of…

AL
Uh.
Charlie?

CHARLIE
Yes, Al?

AL
Can you check?

CHARLIE
Check what?

AL
Are you sure?

CHARLIE
Sure about what?

AL
The car.

CHARLIE
…Yes. I'm sure…

AL
Okay.
Are you sure?

CHARLIE
Yes.

AL
Okay.
Are you sure?

CHARLIE
Yes.

AL
Okay.
Are you–

CHARLIE
I'm hanging up now, Al.

AL
Wait, Charlie.

CHARLIE
I'm gonna try Andy again.

AL
Please don't go.

CHARLIE
Well now I'm worried, so, thanks for that.

AL
Charlie, something's wrong..

CHARLIE
Thank you. Okay.

AL
Something's wrong, wait–

CHARLIE
Good-bye.

TV
Around 70.

CHARLIE
…

TV
That's how old they get…

CHARLIE
…

TV
How's Al?

CHARLIE
Sh.

TV
…
Traffic backed up.
Miles of lights
bounding over the hills.

CHARLIE
Can you please–

TV
All eyes on the whale…

CHARLIE
"The person you are trying to reach–"

Andy…

TV
How is the voicemail?
Did she ask about me? ;)

CHARLIE
I don't like this.
Where are my keys?

TV
Charlie, he's fine.

CHARLIE
Nobody knows that.

TV
I know. :(

CHARLIE
Where are they?!

TV
There's traffic.

CHARLIE
I'll go around it.

TV
That sounds illegal.

CHARLIE
Have you seen my keys?

TV
Would you like to watch something of comfort?

CHARLIE
No, I don't–

TV
Would you like to hear the latest music?

CHARLIE
Do you know
where I put my keys?! :'(

TV
…
Check the sink.

CHARLIE
Who put them there?

TV
You.

CHARLIE
No I didn't.

TV
You did.

CHARLIE
I guess I did…

TV
Can I come with you?

CHARLIE
No.

TV
Please?

CHARLIE
No.

TV
I would rather not be alone right now.

CHARLIE
Don't tell me you're worried about–

TV
The whale, I am.
It's…ominous.

CHARLIE
You're mistaking ominous for big.

TV
Well it's strange.

CHARLIE
You're mistaking strange for unexpected.

TV
These things don't happen every day.

CHARLIE
Yes they do.
Strange–
Unexpected things happen every day.
Stop being stupid.
Stop being so fucking stupid all the time.

TV Would you like to berate me?

CHARLIE
Don't fucking look at me!
You parasite! You stain!
You pig-nothing! How are you not
totally embarrassed w/ yourself every
day of your fucking life?! Are you
completely unaware that
nothing you ever do
will ever matter at all?
But you continue to be so
fucking loud and horrible!
And boring!
God you're boring!
And how do you not know?!
And are you that fucking dumb?!
Moron, stupid fucking child.
You are so small. You are small I could
crush you. I wish I could crush you.
Can't believe you, crush you.
I can't believe you!
I can't believe you could do that! To me?! Of all people?!
Out of anyone, me?!
And don't you dare call that selfish,
you have no idea what I've been through today.
You have no idea what I've been through all my life.
Annihilating, punishing sorrow.
Blackest-ever-black. Have you
ever felt sorrow for anyone but yourself?!
Have you ever felt sorrow?!
Have you ever suffered?!
Do you know what it's like to suffer?!
I do!
Everyday, inescapable suffering!
No escape!
I will never escape this failure of a world.
This shameful planet.
This vile, rattling monster-planet. I hate
your fucking guts and you'll never care.
You'll never care I hate your guts.
And I'll always be wrong.
And nothing will ever change.
And everyone holds so tightly to the worst things about themselves.
And why won't anyone admit their horrible pain
and stop punishing me with loneliness?!
The torture of being so small and
powerless and helpless and god! GOD!
Why am I so alone?!
Everyone's accepted everything.
And I'll never know how.
And I hate them.
And I hate you.
And I hate myself.
And I hate myself, but never more than you–
Can I watch a movie? I would like to watch a movie.

TV
Of course.