The Existential Moth

Before you there was nothing.

I mean… not nothing. I remember flying. Soaring across the sky. And there was a sort of trail I was following. It was laid out before me. A kind of silvery glow, lit from above. I don’t really know how it came to be or if I was really seeing something? Maybe I felt it. But there was a trail. Of that I am certain. And it smelt delicately sweet. It was delicious.

I thought that was my purpose. Foolish little me. But how could I have known? I think I had just discovered these wings. I was testing their strength. Seeing what they could do. Looping around. Flying high and dropping like I was drawing giant Ferris Wheels in the sky. The wind rushed past my face and I thought that was the most exhilarating thing I would ever feel.

And that’s all I really remember before you.

You came at me like a force. I mean… you really were the most magnificent thing I had ever encountered. How can I even begin to describe you? You fascinated me.

You began as a low kind of buzz. As you reached me, I felt every hair on my body rise. Everything came alive. You were calling out like a siren in the night, singing a symphony of hums. And I heard it. Like it was just for me.

I knew I needed to be where you were. That you were some sort of guide. And that maybe you would have all the answer to questions I didn’t even know I had.

And then I saw you.

You were like… a god. You were all the colours I never imagined.

It was as though your light shone through the night like a doorway to something else. A kind of ecstasy or another realm of pure beauty.

You stood in complete contrast to your surroundings. A vast chasm of emptiness. There was nothing. No life. No colour. No green. Just coldness. As though everything were dead. I think, perhaps, it wasn’t always like that. That once it might have been thriving. Before them. But not anymore.

At its centre was you. Teething with life. A shimmering display of radiance. I was stunned. You beckoned me with your warm, inviting glow and I was powerless to resist you. All I remember was turning towards you and feeling myself moving forwards. As though I had no control. As though there was a string tied around my body and you were reeling it in with a slow, deliberate intention.

And now here I am. With you.

I’m floating underneath you and it’s so effortless. Am I about to enter a new dimension? Is this what love feels like?! It’s thrilling. I could fly around and around forever! I’m like a planet, soaring through space, orbiting you.

I notice there are others here. Who are they? Some look like me. Some don’t. Are they here for the same reason? What should I be doing? You’ll let me know, I’m sure. And until then, I’ll keep flying. The others seem to be dancing in the air for you. Should I join in?

Am I doing this right? Sorry, am I asking too many questions? I just want to make you happy. It’s a sweaty, frenzied mess in here! You’re like our drug!

This is so fun! I can feel the heat emanating from you. It’s warm and electrifying and dangerous all at once!

Something is moving in the shadows. I think I can hear a warning sign. Is that a thing? My hairs are standing on end. Ahhh, should I leave? Am I just an illuminated treat right now? But the others are staying, so I guess I should too, right?

Oh, I almost flew into one of the others. It’s a little crowded in here. That’s not a bad thing though! It makes sense, actually. Because how could anyone resist you? Why would they want to?

I’m starting to forget what was beyond you. 


But at least I have you. And this. This right here. I can feel you. You’re like a drone inside my chest. A sort of pulse. I almost feel possessed. You know, I think I would do anything you told me to. Is that crazy? Am I completely nuts?

I suppose I am. I should probably leave then, right? Nothing should have that much control. But then, what if I leave and I’m wrong and I can’t come back?

So, I should stay. I mean, who am I kidding? Of course I should stay! This feeling can only bring something good! I adore you! Where you go, I go.

Predators can wait in the shadow. I am yours. I will not stop until my heart gives out. Until my muscles cramp and I fall gracefully to the ground. There is no me without you. You are a magnetic force that I cannot escape. Nor do I want to.

I can see the others down there. On the ground. I feel like I need to tell you that.

I can see them lying there. Lifeless. Did you do that?

Did I do that? Am I some sort of harbinger of death? I feel innocent but maybe I’m not? Maybe I’m drawn to you because there is something wrong with me. Maybe I’m attracted to this danger. But I don’t remember feeling that when I first saw you. Why don’t you just let me know what’s going on? Why’d you call me here?

Did they follow you? Has this happened before? I feel like this experience doesn’t quite belong to me. Am I a part of something bigger? I don’t want to go down there. I like it here. With you.

You know if I had the brains, I think would fly away right now. Please don’t take that the wrong way. I’m just wondering what’s going to happen to them next? Is there something more than this? Something after? Will they transform again? It just seems like maybe they won’t.

Will that… happen to me?

I feel you. But I don’t think I’m supposed to. Is there a word for that? When something feels so right and yet so wrong? I was so sure in the beginning but now I can’t even remember what it was that drew me in. Beauty is a beguiling thing, wouldn’t you say? What was it I was so certain of? Was it just the promises of something more? But now that I’m here I can see there really isn’t any more?

I’m sorry, I’m not quite explaining it right. It’s like when you see something in the distance and you think it’s one thing but as you draw closer it becomes something else entirely. But you’ve gone too far down the road and you can’t turn around now because you’ve already lost your way. So all you can do is push forward.

Is this my role here? To witness the end? Or to be a part of it?

If I had the means to time travel, I would go back to before you. I don’t want to hurt you, but I feel as though this wasn’t meant to be it, you know? I think maybe this was supposed to be the last great stage of my life. But instead, I’m here… doing this. With you.

I don’t want this anymore. Is there a way out? I think I’d like to go now…

Please don’t judge me. But I think I made a mistake.

I feel foolish. I only hope you don’t see me as a fool. Weak and easily manipulated, like a magpie attracted to shiny things. You confused me. I was taken up in a flurry of fascination. If I had more experience, perhaps I would have known better. Elders probably looked upon my whimsy with disdain. Rolled their eyes. Or perhaps bowed their heads in mourning, knowing the fate I was flying towards.

I wish you would comfort me.

My wings are aching. They’re out of sync. I can’t fly straight anymore. I’ve lost my grace. There’s a tremor in my right wing that won’t stop. It feels like ripples are softening them. Weakening their structure. I’m closer to the ground than I would like to be. Yet it’s all I can do to just keep going.

(Angrily) Why did you call me here?!

I’m sorry if I’m ruining it. I don’t want to let you down. But I can’t see what want. Why you need me.

You know, I’m starting to get the feeling that you don’t really stand in contrast to your surroundings. That maybe you match it quite… perfectly. You seemed to be a life source from afar but… I think you might be the opposite.

I don’t want that to be true.

I’m so… tired.

Could you just tell me what you want? Give me even a little hint? Then maybe it could be different. But I can’t stay here anymore. Please, I don’t want this.

It’s time to let me go.

I cannot believe this is all I was meant for.

I can barely feel you now.

Please let me go.