The Addict

Search the night, they say. Pollinate and multiply. Find a flower. Drink the nectar. Find a mate. Reproduce. Day in, day out. 

Did I transform for all that? To carry out some mundane tasks. Where’s the fun?

We’ve lost something. Why on earth would I choose that? When I could have this?

THIS.

Don’t pity me. I’m not here by the will of some ethereal being I can’t see. I chose it. I wanted it.

You would understand if you opened yourself up. Really looked at it.

There is this ancient instinct in me that ignites when I’m here. I’m blinded to anything else and I live for it. There’s no confusion, no getting lost. I come here and I dance this dance and I consume it all. I thrive in the chaos of it.

When I first catch sight of it, my heart races. A tingling sensation courses through my body, awakening every part of me. I feel everything.

I lose myself in the chase. The repetition. I know exactly when my heart will beat faster, and when it will slow. There’s a rhythm here. And I get it.

It’s euphoric. Like I’m drinking heaven’s elixir.

As I dart in and out and around the others, it’s as though I belong here. Others smash into each other, can’t handle the mayhem. But I can.

It’s easy to be here. Every day I suffer in its absence. Waiting for this time I get to be here. It consumes my mind. Nothing else can compare.

Maybe you’re right. Maybe it does control me. But I don’t want to fight it. I welcome desire!

See, you don’t understand because of fear. But I don’t feel fear.

This place… draws me in. Draws others like me. Lost souls. Rejects! Lovers of chaos! Are we truly clueless? Or have we evolved to a higher thinking. Able to ignore the monotonous movements of daily life. Rejecting societal pressures and expectations. The rules that say ‘you must do this’. ‘You must be that’.

We are beyond it. Out of reach. Whether we were casted out or left by choice, here we are.

I come from a long line of conquerors - traversing the night in search of something new. This light. And deep down I know I will conquer its brilliance.

I can master the radiance that alludes me.

You think I’m stupid?

I was born to question. To go further than those before me. Travel to the unknown.

I want to see what lies beneath the veil of beauty. I know that what I see now can’t be all there is. The promise of more is always compelling me forward. Closer to the truth.

You hear the warnings of the others? Pfff, they don’t understand. The ones trapped here in the chaos, the ones begging us to leave. They’re too feeble-minded to get it. Even you, standing there, could never comprehend what it is. This… pull.

And I want more!

You think I’m reckless?

I would sacrifice myself for it. When the dawn comes, it steals my peace. Dissolves into an anxious pit inside me. And I am overcome with a sense of hopelessness. Until I get to come back and do it all again.

It’s never enough.

But that’s because I’m only on the surface. I haven’t penetrated its depths. I haven’t found my way in.

I know I have to go further.

I have to find the answers.