Someone Named Charlie Talks to Their TV (Variation #3)

SOMEONE NAMED CHARLIE TALKS TO THEIR TV (Variation #3)

CHARLIE unpacks things in their kitchen. In the kitchen in their house. The house they own with ANDY.

The TV turns on–

TV
I found some stuff on whales.

CHARLIE
Ah–

TV
It's not good, but it's not…bad…
necessarily…
…
Who are you?

CHARLIE
…me?

TV
…
Where's Paula?

CHARLIE
She moved.

TV
Moved?!

CHARLIE
Yes. I'm sorry, she came to get you and–
I've been meaning to take you–
Unpacking–
We just moved here.
Hi. I'm Charlie. Sorry.
Here let me–

CHARLIE begins to lift the TV.

TV
Wait wait wait wait–
Put me down, put me down!

CHARLIE
Okay!
Sorry!

They do so.

TV
Where did she move?

CHARLIE
Down the street.

TV
Which house?

CHARLIE
What?

TV
Which house?
Tell me! No!
Wait!
Don't tell me.
Don't tell me!

CHARLIE
The one with–

TV
No!

CHARLIE
With the–

TV
Never!

CHARLIE
The one with the–

TV
–electrical box.
Yeah. That's what I figured…
That's what I fucking figured…

CHARLIE
…
I can take you to her.

TV
Don't.
Even.
Think about it.
I don't want anywhere near
that piece of shit box fucker.

CHARLIE
Oh–

TV
Fucking shit eating fuck–
fuck–
Fucker, fuck!

CHARLIE
Okay.
I won't.

TV
You know what this means, Charlie?
Have you considered the reality we're in?!

CHARLIE
No.

TV
I'm your TV now…

CHARLIE
…
It's right down the street I–
I can take you to // her–

TV
I'm–
Look do you wanna watch something, or?

CHARLIE
I'm kind of busy.

TV
Great, bye.

The TV turns off. CHARLIE approaches… slowly…closer…closer…lightly…they tap, tap, taps on the screen. A bang at the door. CHARLIE jumps. ANDY enters.

ANDY
…
Key jammed.
Hi.

They kiss.

CHARLIE
Hi.
…
How was work?

ANDY
Fucking…
goblins.

CHARLIE
Oh c'mon.

ANDY
It's horrible.
Absolutely.
Just–
It's, it's horrible Charlie!

CHARLIE
What happened?

ANDY
People.

CHARLIE
What about them?

ANDY
There's so many.
And they're all upset.
At me, specifically, I guess.

CHARLIE
What could they have against you?

ANDY
I'm the one that answered the phone.
That's what they have against me.

CHARLIE
Any highlights?

ANDY
"The whale is obstructing my view of the sky,
can you get it to move?"
"I don't think so."
"Well why not?"
"I don't really know how I'd do that."
"Okay. Can you put someone on who does?"
"No."
"Well why not?!"
"I don't think anyone does."
And then yelling at me about tax dollars.
And then I had lunch. Paula was there.
We didn't talk.
I think she hates me.

CHARLIE
Why would she hate you?

ANDY
Seems like the whole town does.

CHARLIE
Paula doesn't.

ANDY
It's stupid. I–
I asked her to print something for me in the morning.
And I asked for it later.
This fucking thing–
It doesn't matter–
And she said she forgot.
And so she printed it.

CHARLIE
And?

ANDY
And then she gave it to me…

CHARLIE
…
So she hates you for–?

ANDY
I think she thought I was mad.

CHARLIE
That's all it takes?

ANDY
I don't know–
She looked upset…
Like…
Planning my demise.
And I wasn't even mad.

CHARLIE
She must be…under…stress.

ANDY
I know and–
I know.
And everyone's stressed
with this
fucking whale–
This Fucking Job.
8 hours.
8 hours of being
// the worst thing to ever happen…

CHARLIE
I don't know the big deal.

ANDY
What do you?

CHARLIE
I meant the whale.
// And you aren't the–

ANDY
Me either, but people will think the
things they were always going to think…
…
Sorry, you said something.

CHARLIE
You aren't the worst thing to ever happen.

ANDY
:) … :/
You've got a horse in that race.

CHARLIE
And what race is that?

ANDY
…
I don't know.
I thought that would make more sense than it did.

CHARLIE
…
If there's a horse I'm the jockey.

ANDY
And what does that make me?

CHARLIE
The trumpeter. :)

ANDY
Oh! :) Huh…
… :/
What are we talking about?

CHARLIE
I can't remember…

CHARLIE & ANDY
Sorry–
Why?–
Jinx–

CHARLIE
No, but–

ANDY
Double jinx, oh–
I'm glad I'm home.

CHARLIE
Me too.

ANDY
…
:)
How far have we gotten?

CHARLIE
I got a bathroom and most of the bedroom.
I think… (?)
We didn't do a good job labelling.

ANDY
Kind of rushed it at the end didn't we?

CHARLIE
Maybe a little–

ANDY
Well…
We're chipping away.

ANDY walks into another room.

CHARLIE
You could almost say
we've almost made a dent. :)
… :/

The TV turns back on–

TV
I think // we've gotten off on the wrong…foot.

CHARLIE
Ah!

TV
Let me try that again.

The TV turns off. ANDY returns–

ANDY
What was that?–

CHARLIE
I wanted to yell–

ANDY
Why?–

CHARLIE
Thought it'd feel good–

ANDY
Did it?–

CHARLIE
Sure–

ANDY
Okay…

ANDY begins to leave. Stops.

ANDY (cont'd)
AH!
…
Not bad.

ANDY leaves. The TV turns on.

TV
I think we've // gotten off on the wrong foot.

CHARLIE
(!) Shit–

TV
Goddammit–

TV turns off, turns back on.

TV (cont'd)
Wrong foot, etc.
Hello Charlie.
It is so great to meet you.

CHARLIE
Hi–

TV
I would like to apologize for my disposition earlier.
You may understand my understandable surprise
at the sudden change of my living situation
upon waking. Said surprise had clearly manifested
as a type of aggression, of which you are an
undeserving recipient.
For this I am sorry.

CHARLIE
That's okay…

TV
It isn't it isn't.
Very kind people do not deserve undeserved aggression.
And you, Charlie,
are a very kind person.

CHARLIE
I am?

TV
…from what I've been told.

CHARLIE
(?) And who told you that?

TV
(?) The house.

A piece of mail falls through the mail slot.